


i just need me and you slow dancing

by wavelcngths



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Minor Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, all 23 members are mentioned at some point, based on the great johndo drought of 2020, buckle up bc it’s gonna be a long angsty ride, dotaejohnten are all besties, i don’t use auto caps folks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:55:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29161509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wavelcngths/pseuds/wavelcngths
Summary: “it’s been days and weeks and months, feels like forever since I saw you. I'm forgetting how you felt now. i’ve never had this much time on my hands.”aly & aj – slow dancingor, doyoung was never prepared to face the circumstances that came with falling in love with his fellow member and best friend, johnny.
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 40
Kudos: 70





	1. Chapter 1

doyoung has known johnny for so long that his presence alone felt like a constant. 

the two have been with each other for years, working under the same project as trainees before debuting together in the same group. 

years later, the pair were still just as attached to the hip.

no one made doyoung as happy as the 6ft tall, free-spirited member, but that hadn’t always been the case. the development of their relationship started off rather bumpy (and slow) to say the least. 

the beginning stages of entering the training life under sm rookies had doyoung getting to know everyone fairly well with the exception of one person. 

he couldn’t hide his curiosity whenever the other trainees talked about suh youngho, or johnny, the giant, warm-hearted trainee who had been around since the beginning of the project.

he was currently in america finishing his studies and would soon join them again for the summer, so it was safe to say doyoung was excited to meet the older male. 

however, he never anticipated having issues with said man from the get-go. 

both doyoung and johnny were total polar opposites of one another, with johnny coming off as a domineering person due to his stature and exuberant personality while doyoung, as tall as he may have been, was still pretty scrawny and reserved.

johnny was loud and passionate, exuding endless charm as a result of his extroverted tendencies; doyoung came off as cold by nature, opting to keep to himself as he was quite shy and introverted.

as a result, it was easy for someone like doyoung to be a target for others to mess with, and he learned that first hand once he met the older member.

whatever “caring personality” johnny believed to have possessed by others suddenly felt like a huge lie to doyoung as he was immediately subjected to endless amounts of teasing from him. 

everyone (including doyoung himself) knew dancing wasn’t one of his strengths and as a result, he did have to work slightly harder than the rest to keep up. 

however, his limited dancing wasn’t nearly as bad as how others made it seem – but johnny never failed to make him think otherwise with his incessant remarks. 

whether it be pointing out that he missed a step or was slow at switching positions, he had a knack for making doyoung feel like he was constantly being watched (more like judged) by everyone, especially the older member. 

it also didn’t help how much johnny would use any opportunity to make comparisons and boast about one of the best dancers in the group: his best friend ten.

“ah~ it’s okay we can’t all be like ten.” he would often joke at the expense of the younger member, laughing boisterously whenever he saw doyoung flush in embarrassment after messing up the choreography yet again. 

doyoung hated the fact that he was constantly singled out by johnny in front of everyone. it was only him who got picked on to this extent and he couldn’t figure out why.

the pressure that came with training to become an idol only became worse the more johnny tried to tear down his confidence and undermine his abilities – but doyoung knew better than to let any of that phase him. 

his pride was hanging on by its last thread, so he forced himself to put his hurt feelings aside to make do with the situation. 

at the end of the day, he worked his ass off just like everyone else to become a trainee. he deserved this spot and didn’t need to question his own self-worth just because a fellow member wanted to be an ass to him. 

if anything, the teasing only seemed to spur doyoung to want to work even harder. soon enough, his daily schedule became more strenuous and demanding as he started to stay behind after practice to improve his dancing.

but it didn’t matter how tired he was; he had to do better.

-

johnny and doyoung’s relationship remained stagnant for a while until one eventful evening after practice.

the members had left the building a while ago to eat a late dinner, but johnny had gone back to the practice room to retrieve earphones he’d accidentally left behind when he found doyoung asleep, curled up on one of the chairs. 

johnny had noticed a shift in the singer for quite some time now. doyoung seemed to be exhausted lately, exerting much more energy in their daily practices than usual and then disappearing from the rest of the group once they were done for the day. 

the older member could see how tired doyoung was as he stared down at the sleeping figure. the younger member looked tense, practically worn out even in his most tranquil state. 

johnny found himself wanting to reach out and try to smooth out the worry lines that seemed to be permanent on doyoung’s face, but he knew better than to disturb the singer. 

sighing to himself, he started to pull away from doyoung when his phone started ringing. 

both members were startled, resulting in the once sleeping male scrambling to get up and proceeding to almost knock into johnny’s hovering figure. 

“jesus christ– johnny hyung? what are you doing here?” doyoung asked, looking frazzled at the fact that he’d been caught sleeping in the practice room by him of all people. 

johnny was quick to pull back, feeling embarrassed himself due to their proximity to one another. “i could ask you the same thing.” he refutes calmly, ignoring the incoming call as he holds up his earphones for doyoung to see. “i came back here to get my earphones, but a better question would be why are you still here when practice ended a while ago?” 

doyoung sighed at the question. he didn’t think it was necessary to explain himself; it was all self-explanatory anyway, but he still answered just to be polite. “i stayed behind to practice some more,” he supplies. “but i got tired so i laid down for a bit, hence the whole sleeping thing.” 

johnny seemed to be confused by that. “don't you think it’s counterproductive to practice more knowing how tired you are?” he questions while crossing his arms against his chest. “you’re not going to improve on anything by stretching yourself so thin like that.” 

feeling his irritation rise, doyoung rolls his eyes at that. the last thing he needed was to be lectured over how much time he spends practicing by the same man who wouldn’t stop teasing him over his dancing. 

“thanks for the input, but i’d really appreciate it if you kept your opinions to yourself since what i do doesn’t concern you in any way.” he responds curtly, failing to hide the annoyance in his voice. 

taken aback, johnny clearly didn’t appreciate that kind of response. “i’m still your hyung, don’t talk to me like that.” he scolds the younger member with a hard look on his face. “what’s your deal? i’m just trying to look out for you.”

doyoung scowls at that. “why do you even care? shouldn’t you be glad i’m making some sort of effort to improve on the choreographies?” he retorts, not noticing johnny’s change in expression as he continues. “for someone who always likes to point out how god awful i am at dancing, you sure don’t seem very pleased with what i’m doing.”

johnny instantly grimaces at his words. “what the hell are you talking about? i’ve never said you were god awful at dancing.” he argues, “you’ve always been good at it. i’m just worried about you, doyoung. i don’t like seeing you push yourself so hard when you don’t have to.”

doyoung let out a scoff at that, “so you mean to tell me all the comments and nonstop comparisons you’ve made about my dancing abilities weren’t just you insulting me?” 

he ignores the glowering man as he starts packing up his belongings. “you may have never directly said it, but the implications have always been there.” doyoung says, walking around johnny as he starts making his way out. 

“i’m not an idiot, so feel free to drop the act. i don’t need you pretending to care.” doyoung was ready to leave both the discussion and practice room altogether when johnny suddenly grabbed his wrist and pulled him back. 

the singer expressed a noise of discontent at that, quickly turning to the taller male with both an offended and confused look on his face. “hyung, let go of me–”

“doyoung, please hear me out before you leave.” johnny says softly, eyes expressing regret.

doyoung didn’t like how easy it was for him to cave to the older member, but he could tell he was being sincere, so he slowly relaxed in his hold.

“i’m not pretending to care about you, i do care about you. you’re one of my members, practically a little brother to me.” johnny tells him as he loosens his grip on the singer. 

“i realized a while ago that you’ve been overworking yourself these last few weeks,” the older member says as guilt takes over his face. “and now i know why.”

johnny opts to let go of doyoung’s wrist so he could hold his hand. “i’m sorry. i never intended on making you feel like i was only picking on you for your dancing. i didn’t realize the impact of my words since i joke around with everyone like that, but i swear you’re far from a bad dancer.” 

doyoung didn’t know how to react, but even then he wanted to hold a grudge towards the taller male for the all the times he undermined his abilities as a performer. 

apologizing could only fix so much. 

“i don’t know you like that, so i don’t understand why you thought teasing me for not being a sufficient dancer like the rest of you guys would ever be taken lightly.” doyoung frowns, quickly pulling his hand away from johnny’s hold. “but it’s whatever now. apology accepted, all i ask is that you just leave me alone for now on.” 

he tries to leave again but johnny stops him once more. “doyoung, please don’t push me away like this. i know we got off on the wrong foot, but i promise i’ll be a better hyung i swear.” 

the older member holds onto doyoung’s hand again, almost scared to let go. “give me a chance to make it up to you, please.” he pleads. 

seeing the taller man visibly upset didn’t sit well with doyoung as he felt guilt begin to take over. he really wanted to be petty, but he knew he needed to make their relationship work for the sake of their group. 

he would never openly admit it either, but doyoung genuinely disliked seeing the usually happy-go-lucky man look so defeated. 

with a sigh, he offers johnny a half-hearted, tight-lipped smile. they had a long way to go before they could fully make amends, but for now this was an okay place to start.

“fine, hyung.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello lovely folks, i was recently inspired to tackle writing my first ever fic, so i decided to indulge on some classic tropes featuring my all time favorite ship in nct :D 
> 
> i’ll try to keep up with updates but please note i am also a busy college student. i’ll do my best to feed my fellow johndoists though bc we simply deserve more works on here lol


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello i’m back with a new chapter (much to my surprise lol)
> 
> if i were to set the tone for this fic i’d recommend exo chen’s april, and a flower and dear my dear + taylor’s swift folklore and evermore 
> 
> anyways i hope y’all enjoy this update and s/o to jisung for being born today. love ya bean sprout!

being in johnny’s hometown for 127’s first ever tour was an exciting experience for someone like doyoung who’d been looking forward to his best friend going home to visit his parents. 

throughout the trip, johnny couldn’t hide his excitement, buzzing with anticipation while also sharing how slightly anxious he was feeling to be going home for the first time in years.

“it’s okay to be nervous, you haven’t seen your parents in so long.” doyoung assures, offering johnny a comforting smile. “i’m sure they’re just as excited to see you, now please calm down before you start making me nervous.” 

if there weren’t any cameras rolling at the moment, he would be smothering the older member with his endless supply of hugs. 

seeing johnny reunite with his parents made doyoung so happy, his heart feeling warm from both the sight and just the fact that his best friend was expressing so much joy despite how much he was trying to play it cool. 

doyoung couldn’t be bothered to hide the fond look on his face as he watched johnny, a total momma’s boy, try to avoid being doted on by his mom. 

“why are you avoiding her?” he jokingly asks in a chiding tone, laughing when johnny gives up and unconsciously scoots back closer to her as she continues to shower him with attention. 

127 spend their evening winding down at the suh household, consuming an abundance of delicious food while going through johnny’s childhood pictures. 

doyoung was also able to spend some time with momma suh much to johnny’s dismay as he watched the singer laugh at all the embarrassing anecdotes being shared about him as a kid.

“your mom is right though, you were so pretty when you were young.” doyoung giggles, making johnny flush as he grumbles in embarrassment. 

once the night time rolls around, most of the members decide to take their leave so they can rest at the hotel with the exception of doyoung and mark. 

prior to arriving in the windy city, johnny came up with the idea of having the other two members stay the night at his house. “it’d be cool. we could film some extra content for JCC like going to a store or something,” he explains to doyoung a few days before they took off for chicago. 

“and go on that drive you asked for.” johnny adds, smiling when he notices the younger member’s eyes light up in recognition. 

“you remembered that?” doyoung asks softly. 

johnny nods. “of course i did.”

after a few hours of filming at various locations (and the emotional scarring he had to endure at both target and in johnny’s elementary school parking lot) doyoung settled down next to both his best friend and their baby mark as they wrapped up the filming for the day. 

doyoung briefly wondered if it was obvious they’d been drinking before recording themselves.

he felt buzzed at the moment, but he wasn’t sure if it was solely because of the beer they bought or also the fact that he felt funny inside every time he looked at johnny. 

the older member looked really happy, almost as if he were glowing despite being barefaced, tipsy, and evidently jetlagged – and that made doyoung’s heart flutter for some reason.

all he knew was that happiness looked good on the older member. 

“i hope you remain happy forever johnnyyy.” the singer mumbles into johnny’s shoulder, sleep slowly taking over his system. the taller male only lets out a chuckle before doyoung continues, “i mean it, i love you and want you to be happy no matter what. promise me that.”

johnny nods to himself, wrapping an arm around his tipsy best friend and squeezes him in reassurance. “i love you too doie. i promise you, i’ll be happy no matter what as long as you do the same.”

it wouldn’t be until the next day, as doyoung woke up with an overwhelming amount of feelings hitting him at once while he stared at johnny’s sleeping figure, that he was suddenly facing one of the most daunting epiphanies he could ever experience:

he was in love with johnny. 

-

doyoung didn’t think about it for a while – well, more like he forced himself to forget about it, but the whole ‘feigning ignorance’ thing never lasted that long anyway. 

the sheer realization that his heart was now accommodating space for his best friend came back to haunt him every now and then, almost like an itch that wouldn’t go away. 

his mind kept recycling the same set of questions every time he started to think about johnny and his recently discovered feelings: why him, why now, and for how long?

doyoung couldn’t possibly pinpoint when these feelings started to bloom. given their rocky start, it was a miracle that johnny managed to claim a ‘best friend’ title in the first place. 

either way, now that he was fully aware of his own not-so-platonic feelings towards the older member, all doyoung could think about was what exactly led to the development of it all. 

the both of them undoubtedly had their lives intertwined with one another based on the fact that they’ve created and shared so many memories together. 

doyoung loved spending time with johnny. they practically did everything together from going on secret coffee shop “dates” to engaging in late night drinking sessions to unwind from their hectic schedules. 

johnny was extremely attentive when it came to doyoung, never failing to make him valued by paying attention to the singer whenever he spoke and keeping his gaze on him as if he were the only person in the room. 

his best friend also knew how to make him feel understood in many aspects. as one of the older members of nct, no one doted on doyoung as much as he doted on everyone else. 

while he loved supporting his members by nagging them out of love and being a cheerleader whenever possible, there would still be days when doyoung felt too worn out to be a support beam for them. 

he wanted to be selfish and have someone take care of him too every once in a while, but the thought alone always made him feel guilty. 

during those instances, all he had to do was seek out johnny to feel at ease again. 

basking in his presence, doyoung would lean on the older member’s shoulder in the middle of a movie marathon, a filming, or even in the wee hours of the morning as johnny took care of him in his own way while reminding him that it was okay to have those days. 

_oh my god, i’m really in love with my best friend._

despite the floodgate of emotions that were causing his feelings for johnny to unravel, one inevitably stood out from the others: he was absolutely terrified. 

he couldn’t possibly feel this way for his own best friend. it would only complicate everything and put a strain on the group. 

not to mention, there was absolutely no way his feelings were reciprocated. johnny would never see him like that. 

johnny was an easy-going, approachable man who loved making everyone around him comfortable. he was flirtatious at best and practically talented at sweeping people off their feet with his annoyingly handsome face and wonderful personality. 

doyoung simply wasn’t special in any regard. 

with a heavy heart, doyoung had to accept his reality for what it was, even if it hurt. he may be in love with johnny, but he couldn’t possibly indulge on any of his feelings.

there was just too much at stake. 

doyoung’s never had a connection quite like this before, and the thought of ruining what johnny and him have together only made him feel sick.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no i did not write this at 7am (i did)
> 
> school’s been kicking my ass but anyway in a few hours it’ll be johnny’s bday so cheers to him and cheers to the johndoists who like eggs w/ a side of light angst in the morning

often regarded as an emotionally intelligent individual, doyoung knew the importance of establishing his own work-life boundaries.

the singer had a knack for keeping his emotions in check at all times, never allowing his composure to falter no matter the circumstances. 

however, doyoung was still a human being at the end of the day, imperfect in his own ways and as a result, also had a knack for running away from his feelings instead of addressing them. 

not only did falling in love with his own band mate and best friend overstep his boundaries, the realization itself came with a heavy price: 

doyoung didn’t know if he could be around johnny anymore. 

the singer tried to deny the existence of his feelings at first, doing his best to act as he normally would with johnny to prove to himself that maybe, just maybe, his feelings were strictly platonic and he simply read everything wrong. 

after all, it was normal to love your best friends, and doyoung really did love johnny – just not like _that._

right?

wrong. 

doyoung was so in love with him that just being around him started to _hurt._

the singer could no longer find any comfort within johnny like he used to, forcing himself to reevaluate their current dynamic and opting to distance himself little by little. 

the older member’s presence also became suffocating as time went on, and doyoung didn’t know how to accept the fact that he couldn’t seek out the one person he went to for security anymore.

based on the ever growing guilt and resentment that was slowly eating at him, doyoung knew he was being stupid. he wasn’t supposed to suppress these feelings or run away from them, but he didn’t have a choice. 

he simply couldn’t risk exposing himself.

he also knew he was being unfair to johnny, but doyoung didn’t know what else to do except stay away from his best friend for a while.

_maybe with some time apart, the feelings will eventually disappear._

it wouldn’t be easy to execute at first, given they worked together in the same group and were still technically best friends, but almost as if his prayers had been answered, doyoung quickly found an escape. 

the beginning of 2020 proved to be busy as the first few months alone had all the subunits working on multiple projects from new releases to comeback preparations. 

around the same time, the company also began introducing the giant project expected to take place later on in the year known as nct 2020.

doyoung needed to be the idol everyone expected him to be, so he chose to do what he does best: cast aside his emotional turmoil and use his hectic lifestyle to his advantage. 

it didn’t take long before doyoung and johnny’s usual time spent together began to dwindle thanks to the singer’s avoidance. 

sounding like a broken record player, doyoung was quick to shut down johnny’s advances every time, offering him the same recycled excuses whenever he asked to hang out:

“i don’t have time today, i’m really busy.” 

“i’m really tired from practice, maybe some other time?” 

“i just can’t, i’m sorry johnny.”

seeing the disappointment in the older member’s face always broke his heart, but johnny accepted his blatant lies every time, taking the rejections in stride. 

“it’s okay doyoung.” 

the distance between the two only continued to grow from there on out, and soon enough, others started to notice it as well. 

of course, no one bothered to outright say anything. they didn’t think it was anything serious as it was normal for members to gravitate to different people, and that was just the case for doyoung this time around. 

still, the members didn’t shy away from almost implying there was something seemingly off about doyoung not being around johnny as much, especially in the way they incessantly brought up doyoung’s forever-growing relationship with their leader.

“doyoung and taeyong have become really close,” mark randomly mentions in one of their vlives, wearing a knowing smile on his face as some of the other members present hummed in agreement. “they can’t live without each other.”

and well, he wasn’t exactly wrong.

doyoung and taeyong were undeniably the best of friends, having relied on each other for years and eventually cultivating a relationship entirely built on trust. 

however, doyoung couldn’t deny how much more attached he’s gotten towards taeyong than before, the rapper serving as a needed distraction much to the singer’s appreciation.

except, the relief he felt from ignoring the direct source of his problems was only ever temporary. 

he couldn’t fool himself even if he wanted to; he missed his best friend more than anything, and not having johnny by his side as much only worsened the empty feeling that’s been growing inside him for some time now.

_but this was for the best._

sitting comfortably on the cold floor of the practice room, doyoung watched with mock disinterest as johnny interacted with the other members.

the older member was acting as he normally would, being the goofy, lovable giant he was, and the singer couldn’t help but long for the attention he was currently showering onto everyone else. 

doyoung sighs to himself before unexpectedly meeting johnny’s eyes, stomach tied in knots as he takes in every detail from the person he’s been missing for some time now. 

despite feeling dejected, he lets out a small smile when his best friend happily waves at him from across the practice room. 

_it’s okay. as long as johnny’s happy, that’s all that matters._

the momentary bliss ends when taeyong suddenly calls for doyoung, making the singer come back to reality. 

immediately turning away from johnny, doyoung gets up to seek out the leader, missing the way his best friend visibly deflates at that.

had doyoung looked back at that moment, he would’ve seen johnny still wearing his signature smile as he continued to mess around with the others.

and had he not been so caught up in his own sentiments, he probably would’ve noticed how the older member’s smiles no longer reached his eyes like they used to.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiya i’m back w/ a subpar update :’v (am sorry pls forgive me my creative juices aren’t flowing well atm)
> 
> but anyways i’m dedicating this chapter to doyoung bc we finally got to see him try to choke out johnny,,,as he should
> 
> also if you want you can follow me on twitter @wavelcngths where i sometimes scream into the void

days off were rather rare when it came to a career like doyoung’s, but when granted, he did what any other sane person currently experiencing a quarter life crisis like his would do: 

he slept in. 

prior to the other occupants of the fifth floor heading out for the day, taeyong insisted the singer tag along so they could all spend some quality time together. 

however, doyoung wasn’t having it, considering he was still actively trying to avoid johnny, aka, the one man he just so happens to have unrequited feelings for – but he couldn’t possibly tell taeyong that.

“i don’t wanna go out.” he groans into his pillow as he tries to drown out the rapper’s whines. “but you’re missing out on important bonding time doyo!”

“i’m _tired_ yong, just go without me.”

after a round of bickering between the two (in which taeyong mostly talked to himself while doyoung half-assedly argued back), taeyong raises his white flag and lets out a sigh. “alright fine you win you hermit,” he grumbles, rolling his eyes when he sees doyoung cheekily grinning up at him from underneath his blankets. 

“if you need anything let me know.”

“okay, now go away so i can peacefully sleep.”

a few hours had gone by since then, giving doyoung ample time to slip in and out of consciousness for a while until he eventually had to get up to make some food.

he wasn’t anticipating anyone returning anytime soon as it was common for them to spend the entire day out on their days off, but the assumption quickly flies out the window when he hears the front door suddenly open. 

midway to him drinking his cup of tea, doyoung feels his entire body freeze up once he sees johnny walk in. 

things have been _tense_ between the two to say the least, with their round-the-clock schedules, lack of communication, and doyoung’s unwillingness to give johnny the time of day putting multiple strains on their relationship.

it also didn’t help that johnny was starting to reciprocate the same treatment towards doyoung, but it’s not like he had the right to be upset about it. 

and he tried not to be, spending each passing day going through the motions despite how tiring the process was slowly becoming.

doyoung would put on a front, work on album preparations, film content for fans, and ignore the fact that he was slowly being buried alive by the pressure of it all. 

by the time he came home he’d be exhausted, yet sleep never came easy anymore either. he’d simply lie awake at night, susceptible to every intruding thought and emotion that crossed his mind before eventually knocking out. 

rinse, repeat.

all he could ever think about was how much he missed johnny, the slight absence taking a toll on him as he forced himself to watch his own best friend slip away from him, but nothing hurt more than having to pretend he was fine with that fact – especially when it came to having to act like things were still okay between them. 

keeping up with his own game of charades, doyoung puts on a friendly smile and greets johnny as he normally would. “johnny~ you’re back early. did you have fun?”

johnny was slow in approaching him, choosing to stay on the opposite side of the kitchen counter as he shrugged off his jacket. “yeah, i did.” he responds curtly. 

the tone he uses with him stings, but doyoung accepts it with practiced ease. he wasn’t blind to the fact that there’s been a shift in johnny’s behavior whenever he was around him now. 

the older member became more passive aggressive with doyoung, only interacting with him when he had to and then reverting back to ignoring his existence. 

it hurt, but doyoung simply endured everything he was being subjected to.

after all, he deserved it. 

“where did taeyongie and haechannie go?” he eventually asks but is quickly met with another short response. “they went to visit dream.” the older member says impassively, ending the brief conversation between them altogether. 

the silence that fell over them was both unfamiliar and uncomfortable as the singer tried to occupy himself with his lunch to subdue the uneasiness he was feeling at the moment. 

doyoung knew johnny like the back of his hand. 

the older member thrived off of staying positive, never losing sight of the optimistic mindset he’s developed for himself over the years because he disliked feeling negative. 

but while he was overall a patient, laid back individual who rarely expressed negative emotions, that didn’t mean he was immune from them. 

and based on how the older member was silently staring him down with an unreadable expression on his face, doyoung knew he was discontent with him. 

anxious and tongue-tied, he can only helplessly look up at johnny when the older member suddenly lets out a frustrated sigh. 

“okay, i’m fed up. i really am.” johnny says tiredly as he runs his hand through his hair. “i tried to be understanding with you at first and tried to tell myself that we were okay but,”

the older member’s eyes shine in despondency. “you’ve changed, doyoung. you’ve been distant, you act like you don’t want to be around me and i just–” johnny releases another sigh, jaw tight as he tries to calm himself down. “if i’ve done anything to make you uncomfortable, i’m sorry.” 

doyoung couldn’t formulate a single coherent thought at what johnny was saying, the guilt pooling in his stomach almost making it impossible to respond.

but he knew he had to say something. 

feigning confusion, doyoung replied as calmly as he could despite the pressure building on his chest. “what do you mean? none of that’s true johnny.”

the singer didn’t like the sudden shift in johnny’s expression and demeanor, stomach twisting into knots as he took in the hardened look beginning to take over the older member’s face. 

“how are you going to say none of that’s true when all you’ve done these last few months is act weird around me?” johnny presses, eyes expressing disbelief as they bore into the younger’s. “don’t try to act like you haven’t been pushing me away when we both know that’s all you’ve been doing.”

doyoung can only provide a feeble response to that. “i haven’t been pushing you away, i’ve just been really busy these days. both of us have been…”

he wasn’t prepared to have johnny lash out on him on the spot. 

“for fucks sake, i’m not an idiot kim doyoung so stop trying to bullshit me!” the older member bites out, causing the singer to flinch from the rise in his voice. “why can’t you own up to the fact that you’ve been blatantly avoiding me?!”

eyes downcast, doyoung tries to control the erratic beating of his heart as he gets a grip on himself, the pain in his chest so intense that it practically left him breathless. 

johnny’s never raised his voice at him before.

the singer couldn’t stand seeing his best friend act like this, but it was even harder for him to swallow the fact that he’s responsible for pushing him to this point. 

yet, as much as doyoung desperately wanted to put an end to all of this–

_i’m so sorry johnny._

“i-i haven’t been avoiding you–” 

“stop **lying** to me,” johnny cuts him off in anger. “do you even understand how fucking unfair you’re being? you’re supposed to be my goddamn best friend but all you’re doing is disregarding my feel–”

_please forgive me._

“johnny just stop!” doyoung yells out, effectively stopping the older member from speaking any longer.

johnny watches as the younger member tries to collect his thoughts after his sudden outburst. “i’m not–” doyoung shakily exhales, throat tightening as he tries to keep his emotions at bay. “i’m not bullshitting you...” he says softly.

he can’t bear to look at johnny’s face any longer as his eyes begin to brim with tears. “i’m sorry.”

“is that all you can say to me? you’re **sorry?** ” johnny asks exasperatedly, slowly taking in doyoung’s trembling figure and instantly feeling gutted at the sight. 

“why can’t you just tell me what’s wrong?” he pushes, but his tone begins to soften soon enough. “i don’t want to fight with you doie. i just want you to talk to me, please…”

tears were now threatening to escape, but at that moment, even in his most vulnerable state as guilt continued to bleed out of him, doyoung couldn't bring himself to tell him the truth.

“i just– i just can’t. i’m sorry johnny...” 

neither of them said anything for a few seconds, but the heartbreak came immediately once johnny finally responded.

“fine.” 

doyoung refused to lift his head back up, tears beginning to stream down his face as he felt his resolve weaken completely. he didn’t have to look up to know he hurt johnny. 

his voice, sounding so defeated, rough, and on the verge of cracking, said it all. 

doyoung’s left standing alone in the kitchen a few minutes later, the sound of their front door slamming shut still ringing in his head as he finally crumbles under the weight of his tears. 

his heart has never felt more hollow.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i swear i’m alive lol. i’m back w/ a very long update to make up for the fact that it’s taken me this long to update this fic (sorry about that :’))
> 
> also i decided to speed up the pace a bit so please do expect lengthier chapters, but with that being said pls enjoy <3

conflicts within groups were quite common, and nct has had their fair share of them as a group that’s been increasing in membership over the last few years. 

however, they were only expected when it came to certain members like mark and haechan who were famous for their summer fight of 2017. 

to say 127 was shocked to suddenly witness a fallout occur between two of their most dependable members was an understatement; no one could’ve ever predicted johnny and doyoung getting involved in any sort of conflict, let alone with each other. 

previously assumed to have been nothing serious, the members didn’t think there was anything wrong between the pair of best friends at first, chalking their (sort of unusual) distancing up to doyoung wanting to spend more time with taeyong since he'd been absent from the group for a while. 

and that’d been the consensus, until the cold war commenced.

as far as they knew, there was no explosive argument or fight that occurred, rather, one day something seemingly shifted between the two members, and now they were uncharacteristically ignoring each other’s existences both publicly and privately – a major shift in comparison to how they’d normally act in front of them. 

it didn’t take long before the other subunits were made aware of the ongoing tension as well. 

as their leader (and best friend), taeyong needed to do damage control to avoid another instance like the markhyuck incident from happening again – the last thing the group needed was management stepping in or the public finding out. 

however, it was easier said than done when talking to johnny or doyoung felt like talking to concrete walls. 

despite his best efforts, he couldn’t crack either party since neither were willing to acknowledge the elephant in the room.

with nct 2020 now in full swing, doyoung didn’t have the time to soothe any worries (or entertain those prodding for answers) as he was too preoccupied with his own comeback plans and acting debut to pay them any mind. 

johnny also operated with a similar mindset. he didn't want the members worrying over something that wasn’t necessarily their problem, so he did his best to at least distract them (and himself) as he prepared for his own comeback with his unit. 

both were undoubtedly doing their best to not let their current rift affect the entire group’s dynamic by keeping things strictly professional, but it was difficult for everyone to appreciate their efforts when it was obvious there was something _wrong._

still, the conflict wasn’t big enough to postpone a huge comeback like resonance, so the members encouraged the two to continue staying separated for the time being and swiftly turned a blind eye at the whole ordeal – well, almost everyone.

ten never anticipated a fight between two of his best friends being the first thing to welcome him back after spending the last few years separated, but if anything, he was demanding an explanation. 

unlike the others, he simply couldn’t ignore how the entire situation felt like an anomaly. johnny and doyoung have always been close, practically inseparable, so the fact that they were now acting as if neither existed to one another seemingly without reason was strange to ten. 

desperate to grasp some sort of understanding about the situation, the dancer first turned to the other 127 members for any insight since they were the first ones to notice their falling out. 

unfortunately though, none of them had a single clue as to what could’ve caused johnny and doyoung to clash like this. even taeyong was at a loss for words from the sudden turn of events considering it happened out of nowhere.

it killed ten inside to see his two best friends acting so distant with each other, and it hurt even more knowing they clearly weren’t okay with each other’s absences. 

both may have been effective in putting up a front to the others, but the dancer could see right through their act. 

he was still determined to intervene as their concerned best friend, but his plans immediately came to a halt when he realized doyoung was now avoiding him as well.

since the announcement of this project, the singer has refused to look anywhere near his direction, essentially ignoring his existence and giving him the same (unwarranted) treatment as johnny.

ten was confused at doyoung’s cold behavior towards him considering he hasn’t done anything to upset the singer, but it’s not like he hadn’t seen it coming. 

johnny had been glued to his side ever since preparations commenced, and while he appreciated the attention he was receiving from the older member, it was bittersweet to be disregarded by his other best friend for no justifiable reason – just because johnny and him were on good terms doesn’t mean they couldn’t be. 

it wouldn’t be until weeks later as all 23 members came together for some last minute schedule adjustments does doyoung finally acknowledge ten. 

the dancer’s leaning into johnny’s embrace in the middle of their group meeting when he unexpectedly makes eye contact with the singer. 

he’s quick to offer him a friendly smile, but the smile quickly morphs into a frown the minute he sees doyoung’s neutral expression fall for a brief second, revealing nothing but genuine heartbreak. 

before he can even begin to process what he’d just seen, doyoung’s immediately looking away.

ten ignores the look of confusion johnny throws his way as he pulls away from his hold, too shocked to offer him an explanation. 

he spends the rest of the evening trying to ignore the uneasy feeling that pools in his stomach every time he thinks about the hurt in doyoung’s eyes. 

-

there’s only been a single instance in which doyoung thought that _maybe_ his feelings for johnny weren’t actually unrequited. 

visiting a korean fortune teller was something the singer never thought he’d experience as someone who didn’t particularly believe in any of that stuff, but johnny had insisted they go together and film the experience for JCC.

at the time, doyoung was already in the process of separating himself from the older member when the idea was sprung onto him out of nowhere. 

against his better judgment, he agreed to go solely because of his slight curiosity in wanting to know his fortune for the new year (and not at all because he genuinely missed spending time with johnny).

doyoung was expecting to only talk about his luck in terms of his career and money, but the entire conversation ends up derailing the minute the fortune teller starts talking about his relationships with the people in his life – and the idea that at least one of them likes him.

before she can finish explaining what kind of person they may be, johnny interrupts her by playfully tapping doyoung’s arm before bursting into laughter. 

trying to hide his nervousness, doyoung can only let out a (forced) chuckle as johnny lightheartedly sputters out an apology. 

“sorry, i couldn’t control myself.” he says while wearing a knowing smile, eyes expressing mirth as he remains completely oblivious to the fact that doyoung was slowly losing his mind right next to him. 

_what the hell was johnny trying to imply?_

between being sidelined at the fortune teller coincidentally telling him he needs to practice expressing his honest feelings (to which johnny ironically pointed out that he already does that) and the older member flat out asking if they were compatible (the answer being yes, they’re very compatible), doyoung doesn’t know how to control the butterflies in his stomach once their filming ends. 

“well, that was quite interesting.” johnny comments afterwards as the two make their way back to the dorms. doyoung sheepishly nods in agreement. 

“i still don’t know how to process anything i was told.” he admits, hesitant to bring up any specific details like his relationship prospects. 

but johnny being the menace he is, wasn’t about to let that topic get swept under the rug so easily. “i’m curious to know who this person that likes you could be. the fortune teller said someone like a friend right?” doyoung makes a small sound of confirmation at that.

“this _friend_ must really be important then considering she said you won’t be needing anyone else huh.” johnny teasingly says, chuckling when he hears doyoung let out an exaggerated sigh.

the singer doesn’t know how to respond to that, but luckily for him, the older member wasn't done messing with him just yet. 

“whoever they are though, just know they can’t replace me that easily.” johnny unexpectedly tells him as he meets his eyes. 

doyoung wasn’t prepared to have his hand suddenly be held by him either. “remember doie, i lead you, and you follow me by taking care of me since i already take care of you. okay?”

grateful that it was too dark in the van for the older member to notice the blush taking over his face, doyoung tries to respond as nonchalantly as possible before pulling his hand away. “ah...okay.”

doyoung really wanted to believe johnny had been alluding to the idea that he was (or wanted to be) the special person the fortune teller was talking about.

and had he been naive, he would’ve indulged in the possibility. but he wasn’t blind.

the feelings that came with the realization that the one person you’re in love with just so happens to be in love with someone else was indescribable. 

doyoung should’ve known better than to get his hopes up. johnny would never actually be in love with him because he’s always had his eyes set on someone else – his best friend ten.

the singer was well aware of the fact that the two members have always had a strong bond since their pre-debut days in sm rookies. 

as a fellow original member of that project, doyoung had a front row seat in watching johnny and ten’s relationship develop over the years. eventually, he too ended up cultivating his very own relationships with them along the way.

before becoming close with johnny, however, doyoung had grown attached to ten since they were both the same age and became trainees under sm around the same time. 

both being sarcastic individuals, the two quickly established a love-hate relationship with each other. ten knew how to push his buttons (just like johnny) while doyoung knew how to fight back using his sharp tongue and wit – but it was all in good nature.

over time though, doyoung learned there were some consequences that came with being ten’s friend, like how he was sometimes there to witness the younger member’s rather shameless tendencies regarding johnny.

and with a personality as colorful as ten’s, it shouldn't have come as a surprise when he started sharing his newfound interest (or obsession, as doyoung liked to call it) in the older member with him.

luckily for ten, the interest had been mutual, so it didn’t take long before johnny and ten started seeing each other – and then eventually having sex. 

“lots of it.” the dancer would boast, only to whine when doyoung pretended to gag as a response. 

never sparing any details, ten would often joke about how he was responsible for johnny’s ‘gay awakening’ thanks to their extremely active sex lives, and doyoung was just unfortunately always around to listen to ten explicitly talk about how well-endowed the older member was. 

one thing that never made sense to him, however, was how their relationship never came with an official label. the two seemed to enjoy operating under the guise of being exclusively ‘besties with benefits,’ yet they still acted like a couple outside the bedroom and only ever messed around with each other. 

but it wasn’t like doyoung cared about any of it. at the end of the day, he was training to become an idol, so being in ambiguous relationships with any of his members wasn’t exactly on his list of priorities. 

he just never imagined facing his own personal dilemma with the same exact man ten already called dibs on years later. 

it’d been a long time since johnny and ten last saw each other due to the fact that they were working in different subunits, but seeing them reunite was proof enough that doyoung never actually stood a chance. 

it was obvious they missed each other dearly, and watching the two become inseparable only cemented the idea that nothing’s changed between them; they still saw each other the same way they did years ago. 

there was simply no way they only saw each other as _just_ best friends. 

jealousy had a way of bringing out the worst in anyone, and as much as he loved and protected his members with every fiber of his being, doyoung was no exception to the feeling.

he knew it was wrong to feel this way about his two best friends, but it was impossible to ignore the huge cloud of ugly thoughts that would follow him or the permanent bad taste in his mouth whenever he saw johnny and ten together now.

_it wouldn’t be long until they finally made things official either._

the dancer was absolutely perfect in so many different aspects that it made sense for johnny to see him as his potential significant other. they were undoubtedly a _perfect_ match, and doyoung quickly learned just how hard it was to swallow a pill as bitter as that. 

the singer hated how his heart cracked every single time he saw those two look at each other with unmistakeable love in their eyes, but all he could do was accept everything for what it was. 

johnny would never see him like that, and doyoung couldn’t help but feel like a fool for ever thinking otherwise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twt: @wavelcngths


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello lovely readers, i was fortunate to survive midterms week and now that i’m finally on spring break, i’m here to give you not one, but two updates!! :D 
> 
> i’m posting the first update for now and will hopefully post the second later on in the day (as i’m still editing that one) since the two chapters are connected, but yeah as always hope you enjoy this late update (it’s literally 2am as i’m posting this lol)

guiding doyoung into his bedroom, yuta tries to not wake up taeil as he gently places him onto his bed. 

“do you need anything? water? i’ll go get you a cup–”

“n-no it’s okay, please just stay here.” doyoung forces out, the heaviness in his chest almost making it impossible for him to speak. his throat felt raw as he tried suppressing his sobs in front of the older member for the nth time. 

“i’m sorry for bothering you like this hyung, if you want me to go away i-i will.” he says, expecting yuta to ask him to leave, but yuta only shakes his head before climbing into his bed and pulling doyoung into his embrace. 

“it’s okay,” yuta tells him, maneuvering them so they’re both laying down together, face to face. “you're okay here.”

bringing his hand up to the singer’s face, he wipes away the seemingly endless stream of tears and then presses a soft kiss onto his forehead. “go to sleep dons, i’ll be right here if you need anything.”

doyoung can only nod before burying his face into his neck, his hands clutching onto the fabric of the older member’s t-shirt as he closes his eyes and lets the fatigue take over.

once he feels doyoung’s breathing even out, yuta loses himself in the wave of emotions simultaneously hitting him, the state of his mind no better with the number of questions swimming in his head as he tries to comprehend what he’d seen just a few hours ago. 

an unspoken agreement among 127 was that their dorm’s rooftop was the members’ safe haven. everyone went there for personal reasons, and yuta often found himself up there whenever he wanted to spend time by himself.

tonight had been no exception as he wanted to do some stargazing before going to bed, but upon reaching the entrance, he realized he wasn’t alone. 

met with the faint sounds of sniffling, yuta unexpectedly finds doyoung alone on the rooftop, curled up on one of the chairs as he nursed a single bottle of wine. 

although slightly confused at the sight, the older member didn’t think anything of it despite how unusual it was for the singer to be drinking an entire bottle of wine by himself, but he figured doyoung must’ve just had a stressful day.

“hey,” yuta greets the younger member as he takes a seat next to him. “rough day today?” 

doyoung barely acknowledges him before bringing the bottle to his lips again. “yeah, something like that.” he mumbles to himself while he stares off into the distance. 

yuta was surprised at how coherent doyoung sounded (especially after drinking almost all the content in the large bottle), but he didn’t miss the impassiveness in his tone. he could only assume the alcohol was responsible for causing him to sound so detached. 

but even then, as the older member took in doyoung’s rather disheveled appearance, he couldn’t ignore the feeling that there was something off about him. 

reaching over to push back the few strands of hair covering the singer’s face, his breath gets caught in his throat when he sees how bloodshot his eyes were. “oh, doyoungie–”

 _“please, don’t.”_ the younger member whispers weakly, pulling away from his touch before turning his head so he could quickly wipe away the remaining tear tracks on his face. 

“you’ve been crying…” yuta says absentmindedly, a frown growing on his face as he watched doyoung try to collect himself. “what’s wrong?”

ignoring the question, doyoung lets out a shaky sigh before turning to the older member again. “ah, you probably want to be here by yourself right? i’ll just head back inside then.” 

he stands up to leave, but yuta was quick to pull him back as he stood up as well. “no, i can’t let you go until you tell me what’s wrong.”

blinking back the fresh batch of tears threatening to escape, doyoung shakes his head at that. “there’s n-nothing wrong, i’m fine. don’t worry about m-me.” he stammers, failing to hide the wavering in his voice. 

he’s met with silence as the older member continues to stare him down with his grip not loosening once. 

a heartbeat later, yuta’s the first one to speak up. “you’re not okay, please stay,” he calmly tells him. 

the emotional pressure must’ve been too much for the younger member to handle because the next thing yuta knew, doyoung’s tears were free falling against his will. 

yuta has seen all his members in their lowest moments, but witnessing someone as emotionally composed as doyoung outright fall apart at the seams was something he’ll never be familiar with.

the singer was actually breaking down right in front of him. 

yuta didn’t know how to react. 

“h-hyung,” doyoung says, voice cracking as tears continue to run down his face. “just let me go...”

suddenly feeling overwhelmed at the sight, the older member doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around doyoung, bringing his head to his shoulder as he fights doyoung’s attempts to push him away.

“s-stop, please– please let me go. i don’t want to be a burden to y-you–” the singer cries out, struggling to release himself from his embrace. 

yuta feels his heart completely shatter as he whimpers into his neck. “i’m s-sorry…”

after a few more seconds of struggling, doyoung stops moving altogether. any fight he still had left in him disappears as he slumps against the older member and succumbs to his emotions. 

yuta tries to swallow down the lump in his throat as he holds onto the younger member, ignoring the helplessness and hurt gnawing at him every time he hears doyoung release a painful sob. 

despite how lost he felt at the moment, there was nothing he hated more than realizing just how broken the singer was.

-

as the leader of nct, taeyong had many obligations that came with ensuring the wellbeing of his 22 children were constantly met. however, he’s never once taken on that role by himself. 

members have often acknowledged doyoung as an important part of nct as a whole. while each distinct unit had members in leadership positions, doyoung was known to have the most supporting role as nct’s mom or, in taeyong’s eyes, the pillar that supports the pillar (him) of the group. 

nobody was as vocal about their love and support for the members as doyoung, and taeyong was eternally grateful for that. the rapper personally never failed to express his gratitude towards the younger member for everything he’s done not only for the group, but for him as well. 

being a leader wasn’t an easy position. the task came with a multitude of responsibilities that weren’t always simple to execute – especially with a workload as massive as taeyong’s. the older member had to deal with the nonstop physical aches, mental pressure, and sheer exhaustion that came with being an idol. 

and sometimes, taeyong needed a break from everything to recoup. 

doyoung would always be there to pick up the pieces in his times of absence by leading the group to the best of his abilities, and whenever taeyong felt himself faltering, doyoung would always be there to ground him again. 

if only he knew how to cope with the guilt that began to build inside him once yuta confided in him about his encounter with doyoung a few nights ago.

what happened to his best friend?

“i wanted to talk to him the next day, but he’d already left by the time i woke up.” yuta says, looking worse for wear due to the dark circles framing his eyes as he spoke to taeyong in the privacy of the rapper’s bedroom. 

he sighs into his hands before talking again. “i’m worried about him, hyung. i’ve never seen him like that before, so i can only imagine what he’s going through right now.”

taeyong felt overwhelmed at everything being loaded onto him at the moment, but nothing felt worse than finding out his best friend has been hurting for god knows how long from someone else.

“i just...i feel like i’ve failed him.” he confesses, face solemn as he stared into his lap. “he’s always helped me and you guys whenever we went through tough times, yet i couldn’t do that for him this time.” 

yuta comes close to the rapper and wraps an arm around his shoulder. “you can’t beat yourself up over something that’s completely out of your control and you know that,” the younger member reasons. “believe me i feel just as shitty, but doyoung wouldn’t want you or any of us being so hard on ourselves for not knowing anything.”

“but why won’t he talk to us? it’s not like him to close himself off like this.” the rapper argues, distress evident on his face as he looks up at yuta. 

“maybe he’s choosing to deal with it on his own for the time being. i know it hurts to hear this, but sometimes that’s all someone can do.” yuta responds. 

bringing taeyong to his chest, the younger member does his best to reassure the tired leader. “just give him time, okay? until he’s ready to open up to us, the only thing we can do for now is be there for him.” 

and taeyong did just that, or at least tried to, but it was impossible for him to ignore the fact that his best friend was going through a rough patch _all alone._

doyoung also wasn’t making the situation any better by adamantly acting like nothing was wrong with him, shrugging off the older member’s coddling whenever possible and expressing frustration when taeyong evidently overstepped his boundaries. 

it was obvious the younger member wasn’t willing to open up to _anyone_ – not even the rapper – about what was wrong even though taeyong could see he wasn’t acting like himself anymore. 

and although frustrated and anxious, he knew better than to push and prod at the singer, so he decided to give him his space to breathe – even if it hurt doing so.

just like yuta said, all they could do for now was be there for him.

despite currently juggling two different comebacks with nct and superm, taeyong was able to talk to ten about the situation regarding their best friend since they were on a superm schedule at the moment.

he’d been hoping the dancer might’ve known something or had answers, but he was quickly met with disappointment once ten explained his limited knowledge about the issue at hand. 

“i wish i knew what was wrong yong, but doyoung’s been ghosting me since the beginning of this project and i don’t know why.” ten tells him dejectedly. “even then, the only other person besides the two of us who would know what was up would be johnny but...yeah.” he didn’t have to finish his sentence for taeyong to understand what he was talking about. 

the rapper was well aware of the fact that there was an ongoing issue between doyoung and johnny, but he hasn’t interfered because he’s been too busy. 

and with everything being kept under wraps at the moment, addressing the unresolved conflict again with either of the two hadn’t crossed his mind until now. 

“do you think their fallout has something to do with doyoung’s current state?” he quietly asks, the two members away from the rest of the crew as they took a break from filming superm content. the last thing taeyong needed was the other members overhearing their conversation – especially the other neos. 

ten nods while he does a couple of stretches beside him. “i’d imagine so, considering johnny’s also been brooding for a while now because of their fight. he pretends he doesn’t care about whatever’s going on between them, but it’s obvious he’s just as affected by it as doyoung.” 

taeyong pursed his lips at that. he briefly wondered if johnny told ten the reason behind their current rift. “has johnny even opened up to you about what happened between him and doyoung? like at all?” 

“god, no. i’ve tried to get him to talk to me about it but he’s not budging.” 

letting out a dramatic sigh, the dancer slumps against taeyong. “i swear, this whole situation just makes no sense to me.” he says with a pout, and the leader couldn’t agree more. 

their break soon comes to an end once the director calls for all the members to return to the set. 

“well, since doyoung’s not willing to cooperate at the moment, i’ll continue trying to make johnny spill the beans,” ten offers as they make their way back to the others. “but i think you’ll have better luck than me if you use your leadership privileges.” he jokes, making taeyong chuckle in the process. maybe ten did have a point. 

after the dancer tells him they’ll talk later and walks away to bother mark, the leader’s left to his own devices again. 

sighing to himself, he knew he needed to talk to johnny as soon as possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twt: @wavelcngths


End file.
